Do you ever have days that feel like a complete failure? You’re not the only one.
You Know the Days
There are days when I feel like I’ve been doing (almost) everything right and then I look at the result and things just don’t measure up.
Like when you’ve been eating well, tracking your food, and you’re really proud of yourself. Until you get on the scale — and the number goes up. All I can think is how stupid I feel and how it’s for nothing and that maybe it really is time to relent and go get the next size jeans. I hate sizes. Or maybe I just hate mine.
Or when you think you’ve got all your relationship insecurities worked out, or at least in a neat little compartment. Until that one thing happens and it makes everything come right back. Yes, I see this as a jack-in-the-box (my least favorite toy).
I’ve taken everything and put it neatly in its place. Not so much stuffing it down, but putting it in its appropriate box. I like when things fit in their perfect place. But everyday I sit there unwittingly turning a dial on the side of that box and the music plays and life seems great, until it explodes.
I hate that.
Yes, I used the word hate — even though I tell my kids not to because it’s such a strong word and we don’t often mean it. But maybe here I do.
Because I wonder if I’ll ever stop turning that dial. I wonder if I can find a way that is better than compartmentalizing those feelings of inadequacy into their neat little box. I wonder if I’ll ever get over this.
When the Day Started Spiraling
At seven this morning I could already feel my day spiraling. I found myself sinking into an abyss I swore I’d never go back to. And I couldn’t find my bootstraps.
Then I remembered the little word that changes everything.
grace
I won’t even capitalize it because it feels like the tiniest whisper and I haven’t quite decided whether to fully grasp it.
But as I think about grace, as I think about my day, I realize I don’t need to decide the whole day. I just need to decide the next step. And even as I’m sinking I have a choice: whether to look up or look down.
Looking up or Looking Down
I push the scale to the side and put on some clothes that are comfortable but I wouldn’t be embarrassed to be seen in. Looking up.
I think about whether to get the next size jeans. Looking down — But realize I don’t need to do that right now in this moment. Looking up.
I decide whether to scroll socials to ease (or feed) my insecurity. I put the phone down. Looking up.
I put on music that will fill the places in me I can’t reach right now. Looking up.
I open my Bible (not always the first place I turn). Looking up.
I let my mind wander to questions of the past…turning that jack-in-the-box dial. Looking down.
I pour out my heart here. Looking up (I think).
I realize that I will probably look down again. And that’s ok. Looking up.
Not all the things that feel hard are big storms. Sometimes a single cloud can bring us to our knees. Sometimes the best place to look when we’re on our knees is up.
And those days are the days of grace upon grace.
I had to put jeans on this morning, for the first time in a LONG time. Thankfully I could still squeeze in, but it was a tighter fit than months ago. But grace. Grace. Grace! I need it to not judge myself by the numbers on a scale or a tag on my jeans. Thanks, Rebecca.
I FEEL YOUR PAIN! LOL
Grace upon grace.
I’m standing in line right beside you, gulping up the great huge quantities that God dispenses (like a fire hose or a mountain stream–not like a water trough that I have to continually refill myself).
Blessings to you, Rebecca.
It’s always a gift to read and reflect with you.
Yes! I love that description: gulping up the great huge quantities of God’s grace!
Grace upon grace. I love that – and I need to write it down. It tends to allude me…on those kind of days. The days where I am begging God – at 6AM – for grace to cover the whole day, the whole week, the whole mess, my whole life – when I simply need grace to get started. To receive fresh mercies and look up!! Such an encouraging post – thanks for sharing!!
I am so grateful I’m not the only one! And I’m even more grateful that God always has enough grace for us!
Oh how much we need God’s grace for every little and big thing, right? If we could only remember when our day starts to spiral to look up and focus on Him, how much better we would be able to handle what comes our way. Better yet, if we intentionally start the day with Him and stop throughout the day to give Him praise, maybe we wouldn’t have so many spiraling days. 🙂
Blessings to you!
Yes! We need to keep our yes on Him. So grateful for every time He brings my focus back!
Looking up and down. Each direction makes a difference. Up I look. To grace.
Looking up and down. Each direction makes a difference. Up I look. To grace. It’s up to me to choose. I want to choose up.
Rebecca, I hate jack-in-the-boxes too. They should be outlawed. Seriously, though, the idea of “looking up” has been on my mind a lot lately, and I so appreciated your list of examples at the end of your post. (Pouring out your heart here DEFINITELY belongs in the “looking up” category, by the way.) Hugs, friend.
“I don’t need to decide the whole day. I just need to decide the next step.” Yes and Amen! Pinned your post, friend.
So much good here! I’ve learned that the moment I feel “good” about a relationship, a decision, food – I need to watch out because I won’t feel that way soon – it’s like the little foxes come nibble at the vine. I like how you said, “Not all the things that feel hard are big storms” – the little things can steal your peace – if we let it! The “grace” – yes! Remembering who I am to him – it makes all the differences – because He can stop the little foxes! Your post really resonated! So much Grace here!
I had one of those last night and it kept me from falling asleep. Finally, I looked up for the 29th time and stayed there and fell asleep!