I stared at her knowing the words before she even spoke them. She was talking about me and how people perceive me. Thinking the words would hurt less, I spoke them before she could.
“Everyone thinks I have it all together.”
She nodded quickly, too quickly, and the silence felt like a dense fog between us. Finally, she spoke saying that it just makes me seem unapproachable.
It was an honest conversation, lovingly honest. But heartbreaking just the same. Because the truth is that I long for honesty and transparency and this idea that I have it all together couldn’t be further from the truth.
And here is the truth you may not want to hear: there are no steps to getting it together. There’s only ways to work on things. We’re going to get it wrong. We’re going to mess up. We will never have it all together. But we can do better. It just frees us up to work on the next thing!
Without even realizing it, I’ve set a few guidelines that seem to help.
1. Don’t complain about your spouse.
The respect I can show my husband in this one thing is far more valuable than any venting session with a friend. That doesn’t mean it’s okay to hold it all inside either. Talking with a safe person is good, but find a way to do it without demeaning your spouse. It can only make your marriage stronger.
2. Don’t complain about your body.
Here’s one that is hard for me, but essential to changing the culture of beauty standards for me and my kids. There are enough pressures out there in the world to have the perfect body and skin and hair and clothes. I do not need to contribute to that.
3. Be grateful.
It sounds so easy. “Be grateful for what you have.” But what about when your friend gets a shiny new car or takes a fantastic vacation? How about when you realize your whole house can fit in the garage of your child’s friend’s house? It is always going to seem like someone has more than you. And the truth is, they do. But when you have what you need you are blessed. Because the other side of that same truth is that you have far more than someone else in the world. This may feel awkward at first.
I was struggling when a friend had a house I loved. To help my heart line up with what I knew in my head I started saying one simple thing when I came home or went out: “Hello, beautiful blue house,” or “Goodbye, beautiful blue house.” It sounds a bit corny, but soon my heart started to believe it. Gratitude makes even the worst situation better. Even if you have to fake it, this one is so worth it.
4. Say No.
In a culture of more, more, more, saying no is hard. We want to be liked. We want to give our kids all the best. We want to fit in. But the truth here is we are ignoring some of the more important things that are individual to us.
What are the things you want that are not cool? One simple one for me: empty calendar squares. I love the feeling of a day without running. A day to relax and know that my people can just be. A day to make time for the other things that are important to me that get pushed aside like family reading time or an impromptu walk on the beach. Find what is important to you and say yes to that. (A great book that helped me with this was The Best Yes by Lysa Terkeurst)
5. Cut back on (or cut out) social media.
Social media is a double-edged sword. It makes me feel involved and connected. It makes me feel like I can bake that cake and run that marathon and have the perfect house and make all the Christmas gifts. But it’s not real.
I struggle with limits on social media. I click my way right into the rabbit hole of never enough. There’s a solution for this. Don’t get sucked in. Maybe it means setting limits or taking a break or closing accounts all together. Regardless of how you do it, cutting back will help you find your balance.
None of us have it all together. But all of us do have something to offer. Find what that is for you and be that. Do that. Live that. And if you get it all wrong. Try something else.
Super, common sense, spot on! For such a time as this …
Thanks for sharing these words of wisdom for walking in the grace of God.
Blessings,
So glad you’re here, Karen!
These are very wise recommendations! I have been trying to say No more often to things that take up too much time in this season. As a new mom, time and energy are limited, so I need to steward both well. This means I cannot be as involved in events and groups as before I was a mom so that I can focus on my family as well as carve out time for me to rest and recoup after busy days. I recently read Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport and it was an awesome kick in the pants and catalyst for making drastic changes in my social media usage!
You’re making some very wise choices! It’s not easy, but it will be worth it. I’ve heard of that book…I may need to get a copy!
Excellent. I have been on social media so much more during this quarantine. Just this morning I decided to create limits for my time.
Great post. I needed this accountability today! Pinning 🙂
Thanks, friend!
Excellent tips. I realize I talk negatively about myself more than I care to admit. Ps. 139, I’m…wonderfully made and my soul knows it…brings me up short. I learned this from the women who went a head of me. I don’t want to pass that bad habit along.
I’m right there with you, Debbie!
Love this and all these points to work on. Good, practical advice we often forget in the moment. One thing the Lord’s been teaching me over the last decade, and still learning, is authenticity and realness with the people who know me and my readers. It’s hard, but I’ve heard the same thing before that I seem to have it all together. So not true for me either!
Being real is so valuable. It shows how much we trust someone. It’s not always easy, but God does use it!