Friendship looks great in the movies. At least that’s how it feels to me. In real life, my experience with friendship has been uncertain, messy, and even lonely. But I haven’t given up.
Why?
I’ve also learned that it’s worth it.
Making friends almost always means stepping out of your comfort zone. There is risk involved when you want to connect with someone, especially someone new.
Will they like me?
What if I say the wrong thing?
Maybe I’m not good enough?
She seems so much more put together than me.
What if I don’t fit in?
There’s a lot that spins through my mind when it comes to friendship. And the truth is every single one of those questions is a possibility. But so are these:
What if we really click?
What if I don’t need to say the right thing?
What if being me is exactly enough?
Maybe she’s just like me.
What if I find community?
When it comes to friendship it is risky to go for it, but it’s also risky not to. And that’s why the best way to make friends is to take the risk.
God’s Word tells us about the benefits of a friend and community. When we take the risk we are stepping closer to God’s best for us. We are leaning in to the potential for relationship, connection, understanding, and support. We are leaning in to God.
But it can feel hard. I get it.
The #1 way to make friends is to take the risk.
Go first: invite someone to coffee or for a walk, ask to meet at the park with the kids, make room and invite someone to join you for lunch at work instead of sitting at your desk.
Say yes: go to the party, set up an actual date to get coffee when she mentions it, give help. We can’t (and shouldn’t) do all the things, but stepping outside our bubble and saying yes is a great way to connect with someone new.
Be a friend: send a text — or better yet, pick up the phone and call, show up when you say you will, be yourself, help when she needs it (or just because.)
The #1 way to make friends is to take the risk. Share on XWarning: I’ve learned a few things in this process I’m walking through of adult friendships. Knowing these truths would have saved me quite a bit of angst along the way.
- Not all friends are equal. Some are in your life for different purposes and that’s okay.
- Not all friends are forever. Some are in your life for a season and that’s okay.
- Not all friendships are easy. Some won’t work or lack the connection you crave and that’s okay.
I’m not one of those people that will have tons of super tight friends at once. For a long time I fought that. I thought there was something wrong with me because I didn’t have tons of girlfriends and bookclub and big weekend getaways with the girls. There isn’t anything wrong with me; that’s just not what my soul needs.
I need a few people, my close circle, that I know and that know me. For me, that’s what works. But I can also have friends that are just the ones you catch up with at the kids basketball game or a few times a year at a gathering. And that’s okay, too.
Friendship sometimes still feels messy and tricky and uncertain, but it’s also becoming one of my favorite things.
Great resources about friendship:
Friendship for Grown Ups: What I Missed and Learned Along the Way
Never Unfriended: The Secret to Finding & Keeping Lasting Friendships
Craving Connection: 30 Challenges for Real Life Engagement
Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely
Check out these great sites I’m linking up with: Literacy Musing Mondays, Purposeful Faith, Tea & Word Tuesday, Abounding Grace, Tell His Story, Porch Stories, Let’s Have Coffee, Worth Beyond Rubies, Moments of Hope, Tune in Thursday, Dance with Jesus, Fresh Market Friday, Faith ‘n Friends, Blogger Voices Network, Grace & Truth, Heart Encouragement
OH! That line about friendship in the movies! I get this, and have longed for the conversations and the long meaningful pauses like Frodo and Sam’s while the world is falling to pieces around them. That’s just not my experience either as interruptions and just plain lack of time interfere.
Yes! Friendship looks like a lot of stops and starts and u-turns in real life!
Good morning to you! I love that you gave us that 2nd set of questions, Rebecca. We usually default to that first set which come from a place of fear.
What a beautiful gift, this post. So filled with hope. I’m off to share it …
There is so much hope! Thanks for sharing!
Taking the risk. That is often the hardest part, but without it, we’ll get nowhere. Not just for making friends, but in many areas of life! Thanks for these great tips, Rebecca. We can all learn something here.
It is hard, but it’s good. Even when it doesn’t go as planned 🙂
My first reaction to this post was to shake my head… and that really speaks to how much I need it. The words ‘take the risk’ strike a strange kind of fear in my heart that I know I need God’s help to be overcome. I’m a big introvert so taking the risk can be scary… heck, even beyond ‘going first’, I find myself struggling to even accept invitations from others where they do all the work! It’s quite sad really. I need to learn to reconcile that you *can* be an introvert and still form connections with others… that it doesn’t have to look like big groups or book clubs or whatever else; that connection can be quiet and simple and that still counts, too. You’ve prompted much reflection in me today and I thank you sincerely for that. x
I used to struggle to make friends until I just swallowed my pride and made the first move. Stepping out to be a friend has been the best thing to make more friends as an adult.
Yes! That’s awesome Tiffany!
Thank you for speaking your truth about friendships. I have found that it gets harder as you get older but I still long for it. And it does take sacrifice, risk and time. But we were absolutely made for community and need each other. Even when it’s been painful I keep persevering. laurensparks.net
Yes! we do need to keep persevering and pressing in to whatever God is calling us to. And He loves when we are in community!
Taking risks is a way of life for me, therefore, the first set of questions don’t resonate with me. It’s easy for me to invite, initiate, make the first move, etc. Did it over the weekend with a new woman who is a part of a small group I’ve been visiting. After church, I reached out and asked if I could speak to her about an issue that popped up at the last meeting. As we spoke, she thanked me for reaching out and said no one had ever challenged her thinking in this way. She was grateful. I reached out again to invite her over to talk more and continue the conversation. She’s all for it. Here’s to showing ourselves friendly, taking risks and making new friends.
That’s awesome Yvonne!
Yvonne, you sound like myself! I am a people person and have been most of my life. My best friends are from elementary school and we are grandparents and some are great grandparents our friendship is still strong and we live in different cities and only see one another rarely. But I have made new friends since retirement and joined a couple of senior citizens activities! It feels good and I enjoy it.
Thanks for the visit today, Rebecca. It is nice to “meet” you. I get what you say here about friends and I agree. God has different people in our lives for a purpose and the same goes for us. I have a best friend thatI’ve known half my life and yet I see him less than many of my other friends. I’m thankful that God continues to bring friends into my life to walk alongside as we encourage one another on this marvelous journey. Blessings. (I hope you enjoy the book;)
Isn’t it great to be able to look at friendship through a lens of grace?!
Great reflections here! Friendship is not always easy, but we do need to take a risk at times. As you say, it’s not necessarily having a huge circle of friends but having a few people we can trust is important!
That small circle can make a huge difference!
Rebecca, I like your points here—taking the risk! Getting out of my comfort zone. Of course, if getting out of my comfort zone involves a table filled with donuts and goodies like the one pictured here, it’s going to be a little easier. LOL
I always say: To make a friend, be a friend. 🙂
Pinned & tweeted.
Thanks for linking up at InstaEncouragements!
100% agree! If there’s good food involved — I’m all for it!
It takes courage to take the risk of rejection and offer the first invitation. I have learned to not take it personally if an invitation is rejected and to just move on with a smile. Building a strong network of friendships is definitely worth the risk. Loved this post, Rebecca.
Thanks Laurie! Continuing to take the risk after a rejection can be hard, but it’s so much better for us than giving up.
Did it have to be risk? 😉 I’m no good at risk. Or friendships. Kidding aside, I’m glad to have found your post today. This topic has been on my mind a lot lately. I have a beautifully sweet and understanding husband, a best friend type of marriage. But I’ve found myself longing for friendship with fellow women too. We are a one car household in a rural area, so I don’t have much opportunity to reach out. I’ve wondered if maybe you could do something similar online. I interact on some level with like-minded women on the daily. Can you have a meaningful friendship with someone you’ve never seen in person?
My hubby is my best friend, too. I used to think that was weird but he really is the person I want to spend time with the most. So, I get it! But other friendships are important too (even if it’s hard to jump in.) I do think you can have close friendships online, but there is something special about looking someone in the eye over a cuppa and a cookie. There’s a special thing that happens when you invite someone into your space and you walk through theirs. So I think this is a case of yes to the hubby friendship, yes to the online friendship, and yes to the in real life friendships. Sue Donaldson has great tips that I love at https://welcomeheart.com/ She is so understanding and gentle. I can take little steps toward closer friendships.
Maybe you could invite someone over for coffee? Or to go for a walk? Start small with something that works for you and your situation. I know risk is hard, but it can be worth it.
Rebecca,
Great post! Having moved around the country quite a bit, I learned that if I was going to have any friends, I was going to have to make the first move. That can be so risky and scary, but as you mentioned…no risk, no gain. Not every attempt I made was reciprocated and I’ve had to learn that every “non-friend” brings me closer to a “true-friend”. Like you, I tend to have a few very close friends and not a huge circle – perhaps it’s the introvert in me. I do better one on one. I think daring to take the risk is paramount as is knowing what approach seems to work for you.
Blessings,
Bev xx
I love what you said here about the “non-friend” bringing you closer to the “true-friend!” So Good!
Great post! I have a hard time stepping out of my comfort zone. Blogging helps! I would love for you to link this post to my new GATHERING OF FRIENDS LINK PARTY 3
http://graceforagypsy.com/a-gathering-of-friends-link-party-3/
Thanks for sharing! I linked up! 🙂
Stopping by again to say thank for linking up at the #GatheringofFriendsLinkParty 3
Thanks for hosting!
Great insight on friendship, Rebecca. We often fall into the trap of believing what culture says friendship ought to look like. Or, even what others have in the way of friends and our friendship-story seems to pale in comparison. Both “culture” and “comparison” are the problems! I love how you point out that it’s not going to look the same for everyone. I have 2 really close friends from high school. We only get together 1-2 times a year and try to go on an annual girls trip to the mountains every September. And I have one friend since college days and the rest are a small circle of women from my church or I’ve been in Bible studies with. Each of those are different than the others. And the diversity is what I like about it!
I love that you have your people! What a gift to have time and relationship with friends that feed your soul. And I love the diversity too!
Thanks so much for linking up at the #UnlimitedMonthlyLinkParty 2! Shared ♥
Thanks!
Yes, yes, yes…
I think the thing about the movies is that, though our senses are engaged, we never really experience the vulnerability that character would feel. We see (and expect) it in the romances, on screen conflicts, etc, but the friendships just happen. We don’t get a front seat to their inner voices, fears and hesitations…
I ached for friends, for a long time. I’d had my heart broken and then struggled connecting. It honestly, in my case, required obliterating my comfort zone. With practice, I grew in a boldness where, in situations, I no longer think of those things which once held me back.
Good, good words!
That’s awesome, Misty! I love that God has brought you to a place where you are no longer held back and you can move forward in boldness!
Yes! This is such an important truth and one we so often miss as adult women. The understanding that some friendships are for seasons and that not all friendships serve the same purpose has significantly helped me to enjoy and nurture the friendships I have. It’s about letting go of unrealistic expectations. Great post, Rebecca!
Yes! Letting go of expectations can feel hard, but it brings so much freedom!
Such great advice! I love how you said not all friends are equal. Some are here for different times and seasons. Thank you for sharing. 🙂
Isn’t it freeing?!
Every one of the questions you listed for reasons why we don’t reach out goes through my mind before I can even make eye contact. Thank you for giving me a different thought process
Thank you for showing me I’m not the only one! So grateful we can encourage one another in the journey!
I remember reading something from Jennifer Dukes Lee that encouraged the reader to go first. It’s easy to say we have no friends or no one ever calls us, but do we call them? Great tips today!
Exactly! And it can be so hard, but it can also be so good!
Oh, my. This post is exactly what I needed to read. I’ve been thinking on this for a while now and getting a little discouraged. I’m like you: one or two close friends is best for me. For me, though, it seems like others aren’t like that…
I get discouraged too. Often. But I keep reminding myself of Truth in those times. God knows me. He made me this way. So grateful we can encourage one another in this place!
This is a great post topic. There’s so much potential for good in friendships, yet as you’ve mentioned it can be hard to build those relationships. With each move our family makes, I’m in a new place to make new friends again. I’m always grateful for the people who reach out to make an effort to befriend both me and my kids. As you say too, taking the risk is when those friendships grow. Thanks for sharing this! I’m visiting from the Purposeful Faith link up today. Have a great day Rebecca!
Moving a lot makes friendship essential. I’m so glad God is so good to provide people with every move!
love this. so simple and yet stretching for an introvert like me!! (especially going first!) But so worth it for the dear friendships the Lord wants to give us!
Thanks! It can feel hard, but it can be so good! God uses it to grow our faith in Him too!
Love this! So many nuggets of truth…visiting from Grace link up!
I’m so glad you’re here!
Rebecca, I’ve discovered many of these same truths through the years. One of my sweetest friendships was one that I deprived myself of for more than a year because I didn’t take the risk for a long time. I’m glad God kept pushing me. 🙂
He’s pretty great that way 😉
I remember reading this last year and it has come back to me several times. It helped me let go when I lost a friendship got caught in the crossfire of family drama, and as I stepped out and took the risk- and made two new friends this past year. Your words truly are life- changing, Rebecca ❤️
Valerie, your word mean more than you know! I’m so grateful my words could bring a bit of encouragement in a difficult season, and they could help you take the risk to make new friends!
Friendship is taking a risk. And I like all your “not all friends are…some….” If we look at friends in this light, we won’t compare our friends with each other or with other people’s friendships. Instead, maybe we’ll rest in how they can be unique in both depth and length.
I love that phrasing: friendship can be unique in both depth and length. It brings so much freedom!