Becoming Yourself

I think about all the gifts I have, posting them with hashtags and pictures to shout my gratitude across the virtual web of this great big world. I am full and grateful for my life and my people and my luxuries.

But sometimes there is a whisper that feels like a curse: sometimes I want to be someone else.

Who I Want to Be

It’s not a specific person, but the idea of a person really. Maybe the best parts of lots of people.

• This one’s hair and that one’s hips.

• The way she is with her kids and the way that one is with her husband.

• Her friendships and the other one’s house.

• The perfect job she makes look easy and the way her neighbor makes staying home look fun.

I think I can just take pieces of who people are and build them into my own version of a person, my own version of me. But when I do that, when I try to wear pieces of other people, I’m only wearing a mask. The person inside is the same and after a while masks get heavy.

The Questions Never Stop

I get so tired. So tired of living with this version of myself. And I wonder if I will ever be different. Will I ever be confident? Will I ever love myself? Will I ever believe I’m worthy of love?

And those questions bore deep and hollow out pieces of me like a drill. The pain of facing those feelings, those fears, those insecurities, feels like too much and leaves me with a hole. The real question is what is going to fill that hole?

Waiting Empty

I can fill that hole with more expectations, more wishing and more lies. I can try to fill it with people and see if the right man or the right friend can make me feel whole. Or I can be empty, hollowed out and wait.

Wait for the one thing that belongs.

I choose to be me, whatever broken, hollowed out version I am right here in this moment.

And when I feel that draw to grab pieces of other people and carefully craft my mask, I’ll let the drill go deeper and stand hollowed out before the One who can fill me beautiful.

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Do you struggle with who you are? There is One who knows exactly who you are, and I’ve written a book to help you believe it. Worthy: Believe Who God Says You Are is for you. Get your copy now!

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